2 months, 2 open-heart surgeries, and -20 pounds later, I am home for good! The doctors were certainly hesitant to let me go leave. That was only because they loved me so much, right?

I made sure to wear my new camo print leggings when I was discharged, because after everything I had been through Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” kept playing in my head. I’m fully aware that song has nothing to do with heart failure, but hearts attempted to be broken by exs is close enough and potentially leaves room for some metaphor. Regardless, I figured I’d fill the lost Destiny Child Latoya’s place in my camo garb and dress like survivor I was. It’s funny because I recently read and article “Threats to Americans, ranked (by actual threat instead of media hype)“. Low and behold heart disease was number one on the list tied with cancer. What I have has no definitive cure, but this transplant has certainly got me pushing right along through life. I was proud to walk out of the hospital and I refused to have them wheel me out.

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Honestly, I didn’t mind being in the hospital, because it wasn’t as if I had much to do here at home. Perhaps, that is the extended hospital stay brainwashing me. Then again, not doing anything in your own bed is much better than not doing anything in a hospital bed.

My apartment is simple, and finally after 10 months of living here, it is fully furnished. Sitting on my couch watching consecutive episodes of Lost with having my curiosities and suspenses settled and restirred every 45 minutes is truly glorious. I can get up with no IVs or monitors attached to me and raid my own fridge without having to label my food first. I don’t have to press a call bell for my pain medication, I just pop back the Percocet as needed (no, I’m not a drug addict). I can shower without asking permission and when I do get in the shower its neither timed nor chaperoned. The simple things that I thought were just a part of being lazy, are actually the most precious and beautiful things in life that are making my Saturday afternoon beautiful.

But not only am I detached and freed from the hospital, I am liberated from my own ailments. My pacemaker and LVAD are both gone. There was no hesitation in my departure from the LVAD, but seeing the pacemaker go was sad. Everyday, I would subconsciously trace its corners and oblong shape. Everyday, that stupid thing pushed into my collar bone when I raised my hands, or it got in the way on the rare chance I decided to shave my underarms. It was a nuisance, but those nuisances were reminders of the huge favor that the pest of the pacemaker was doing for me. The chance of my heart going into an arrhythmia and needing a shock from the pacemaker was even slimmer than the chance of my shaving. But my pacemaker was like that friend who is always there for you, ready to catch you when you fall. Granted, I don’t need it anymore, but it was my go-to party conversation starter. “I have a heart transplant” is a little heavier than “I have a pacemaker,” but I’ll find a way to bring it up.

Life is certainly different for me now, but I know it is better. I have that “fresh start.” Although, my home nurse who comes to check-in on me said I don’t have a fresh start at all and that I am just picking up where I left off. She meant that in the best way of course.

Everyday I exchange a little but of pain for some energy. I’m getting better baby step by baby step. After sitting in bed for two months you kind of loose a lot of muscle definition. Nothing about this process is just handed to me or made easy. I must work towards the goal of being better, healthy and strong.

Major changes are just the fact that I take 20+ pills in the morning and night. It takes a whole water bottle to drink them with. I also have to be careful about the foods I eat so they don’t interact with my medications. I need to be completely sanitary. For the next few months I will have to wear a surgical mask wherever I go. Lucky for me I have a solid 10 seasons of America’s Next Top Model under my belt. Tyra taught me how to “smize”—smile with my eyes. Tyra actually taught me a lot. I’m not sure why I ever stopped watching that show. Irrelevant.

Now, I am just happy to be free. Truly free. No more wires and metal parts keeping me alive. Just my new heart.