The biggest stress of a recent college grad is most likely the tough job market. Having been a sociology major — trust me — the pressure is on and heavy. At 21 I am supposed to be making tough decisions like what sexy cocktail should I order at the bar tonight? And worrying about when the real “A” will be revealed on Pretty Little Liars. While those are real problems for me, they aren’t the worst of it.

I see my classmates, friends, and boyfriend getting jobs, but not me. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do to change my circumstance. Not a change in major nor 100 internships could help my case. Why? Because, I need a heart transplant. Everyone has their hardships in life and their sob stories, so I guess this is mine.

I see people traveling the world on my news feed and I tell myself had I not let my passport expire two years ago, that would have been me. But let’s be real. It wouldn’t. My dream to study abroad was muted my sophomore year after I had a pacemaker implanted. While I was bitter at the time, I now know just how unrealistic that would have been for me between my constant monitoring and medication adjustments. Better safe than sorry I always told myself. But I feel that is a non sequitur and I those options are not mutually exclusive. So, in my life I always try to push the limits and never am I sorry for it. I would stay up little later than I should, maybe drink a little more than I should. Granted I never studied more than I had to, but I did always do I little extra in my work. I interned as much as I could. I worked on the weekends. I wrote and wrote and wrote articles for all sorts of publications. I always strive for more, more, more. That insatiable appetite is harmful when I’m at the mall, but really it keeps me going.

Now, I am being told that I just need to stop. Being in the hospital, not a whole lot will being going on. So, here I am.  A little bit bitter; a little bit stressed; tying to make sense of my life. There is the hippie cliché of “finding yourself.” Nothing in life forces yourself to find the meaning in your life than being told you can only live if someone else dies. News like that has a tendency to morph your views on life. It is so hard to grasp the concept that “when it is your time go, it is your time to go” in reference to death. Yet, when it seems to be my time…I get a second chance? Why am I being granted a bonus round? (Well, I haven’t gotten it yet.)

I ask myself whether or not I am living my life right or if I am doing enough. I haven’t done any service trips to Africa nor did I put that dollar in that homeless guys cup. What makes me so special? Despite that five internships I completed in college, while making Dean’s List, and volunteering every year all while dealing with this illness, I feel that it is never enough to make my life worth it. I only remotely consider those accomplishments because I have been told they are. I don’t even bother questioning, why me? Why have I been what some would consider “cursed” with this ailment. I really see it more as a blessing. I don’t consider myself a completely horrible person, so I don’t think I ever did anything to deserve my fate per se. I think I have been given this obstacle to allow me to channel my focus and realize my potential. Without it, I would not be nearly as strong nor motivated.

At 21 years old I wish I had the luxury of merely stressing out over job searches. But I am happy I am not, because then I wouldn’t have the time to realize that my life in fact is full of meaning and love and support. My family and friends are there for me. I honestly believed I would be alone in the hospital with no visitors but my parents and their….parentlyness. While the rents were still there, I had several family members and friends come and sit by my hospital bed. Really, the feeling of that support is indescribable, but it makes these hard times much easier. In fact, dare I say, it really seems easy. Not nearly as bad as I anticipated.

I am not even going to question God’s plan or whomever has it out for me. Everything happens for a reason and a damn good one at that. So, I am sure that this couldn’t possibly end up all that badly.