You are lucky. I don’t know who you are, where you are or what you are doing at this moment. But let me tell you, you are lucky. This is not coming from a person so down on her luck she envies you. This is coming from a woman who has had one hell of a week and knows that it still could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. When I woke up September 5th, 2014 after having open heart surgery for the placement of a Left Ventricular Assist Device(LVAD), the first thought I had was, “Karen Hill, you are one lucky girl.” My chest had been cut open. My heart had been stopped. Some Godforsaken device had been implanted in me. But I still woke up. Groggy and in pain, but awake nonetheless. At that moment every problem I ever thought I had in the world felt so minute. The discomfort was the least of my worries. I actually had no worries. That false sense of security was most likely a side-effect of the quickly fading sedative, but I felt lucky.

I’m trying to look “strong,” but it came out constipated. I didn’t want to keep taking awkward selfies incase my nurse walked in…

I don’t know what I was doing right, but it had to be something. I had woken up to a new perspective on my life. I was grateful for everything I had in it. The hospital food I had been eating for the past month may have been virtually sodium- and flavor-free, but it was food. The plastic air mattress beneath me was horribly uncomfortable, but it was still a bed. The heart inside me might be failing, but it is still beating. And as many beats as my heart has skipped over the years, it has never allowed my life to skip  a single one.

I could look at this as ruining my life, but I see this all as convenient. All it is doing is making me a stronger person. Even the social aspects of my life have been put into perspective. I have never received a hundred likes on anything on Facebook, but do you know what I have done?

*I have been featured in Seventeen Magazine, twice. I thought I was pretty cool 🙂

*I have had my writing published on several nationally syndicated websites. Maybe I don’t get a hundred likes, but they have been shared thousands of times and nothing is more special to me than knowing other people get to read my words and insights. It makes the world that much smaller.

*I am being featured in a style book published by Refinery 29. I’m gonna be in a book, because I’m stylish. Like what?

*And oh yeah, I won a ONE Condom design contest, so you can see my designs and think of me the next time before you get down and dirty. Yeah that happened. My prize? $100 and a year supply of condoms, but I really wanted a t-shirt…

I did all of that while working and interning at the best companies I could and making passable grades in school and volunteering every year to give back because believe me I am grateful — and that was all while kicking heart failure’s ass.

So, I am not concerned who “likes” me because that is all superficial. What makes me feel good about myself is knowing that I am doing something important and meaningful with my life.

This hospital stay is really challenging me, but I am overcoming it all. Last week, I will admit I was in a lot of pain. I was pretty doped up on pain medication. Oh boy. That was fun, but not fun at all at the same time. I saw crazyyyyyy things— like elephants charging at me — every time I closed my eyes. Some alternate universe was painted on top of reality and while I was fully able to distinguish the two, I couldn’t eradicate the fiction. The feeling was very strange. Luckily, the doctors managed to remedy a healthier cocktail of drugs that only fought the pain and not my sanity.

Perhaps the biggest challenge of all was being able to stand on my own two feet. I tried to research “LVAD recovery,” but nothing was helpful so I did not know what to expect. But I do know what happened. Within a few short days I went from trying to scream through my restricted lung capacity as the nurses turned me at night to wash my back, to holding back tears of sheer joy when I was able to walk a lap around the hospital floor for the first time. Do you know how long it has been since I had taken more than two steps to my portable commode? 27 days. Before, I would get winded and chest pains just walking. This was all summer. Imagine, being capable of walking. Having two functional legs, but you can’t walk. You just can’t. I am so grateful that I can stand. There is still pain and difficulty, but I can move freely.

Since I was first admitted to the hospital on August 9th, in DC I have been connected to all sorts of IVs pumping a drug called Milrinone into my system. The first day I woke up after being on the 24 hour IV drip I felt miraculous. Although, that effect wore off after just two short weeks. Over time more and more IVs were added from Lasix to Potassium to Magnesium to things I can’t pronounce. Lord knows how many needles have poked me. Over the weekend, however, I was weened off the final drip of Milrinone and I am now completely #detached.

My LVAD and I are in for a quite a journey as we await a new heart. My dad thinks I should name my LVAD “L-Vladmir Martynov” or some ridiculous pun playing with some obscure Russian composer’s name, but I don’t always get his awkward Ivy League humor. I think, LVAD, suits fine as a name. Admittedly, I’ve been doing more reading on the iPad mini the hospital gave me for my birthday than this device, but I will read the manual eventually…It’s actually a pretty simple device to use considering it is saving my life.

Freedom is slowly becoming mine again and I am loving it. I have had set backs as I have recovered for sure, like the two liters of blood that somehow backup around my lungs. But, I got through that too! I have had to recover in the adult ICU since the staff is better trained to handle my equipment, but I have made a remarkable and unexpected recovery. Everyday, I look better than the next. I even have rosy cheeks again since my blood flow is so much better now.

Since I am healing so quickly they are ready to move me back to the Children’s Hospital. I was supposed to go back last night, but a room never became available, which is perfectly okay. This morning I got the best surprise ever: they gave me hot chocolate with breakfast! Swiss Mix too! It was all worth it.

Everything is worth it. And I am going to wear this sexy new scar down the middle of my chest like a badge of honor.

This is what I look like on the inside, but clearly I am not an old white guy.