Give me back the smiley fries and baby food, please. Let’s face it: despite the fact I have the heart function of a 60 year old druggie/drunk, I am still a kid at heart. Sure, I stand about two to four feet taller than the average patient here and I am the only one who can legally drive and drink and probably the only one allowed to date. But I really don’t feel all that different from these kids. Scratch that; let me rephrase. I don’t feel all that different from when I, myself, was a kid because Lord knows what kids these days are up to. Yes, we all share the same bleak hospital rooms with balloons etched into the drop ceiling tiles, but we must share that same sense of boredom. I swear I have reverted to my old childhood self in search of some entertainment. The proof is in the tapioca pudding they keep serving me for dessert:

1) Coloring books are SO much fun, but I still neither have the attention span to complete the pages nor the skill to color in the lines. The fabulous Mary O’Keefe—who knows me all too well—brought me Disney Princess posters and a coloring book with over 400 pages, complete with a pack of 120 crayons. This puppy didn’t have the crayon sharpener in the back though. It had a big red and portable crayon shaped sharpener on the inside! The best part is the Disney posters had the black Princess Tiana! Let’s ignore the fact she spent most of the movie as a toad.

2) Those smiley fries were undercooked, but I still ate them and I miss them. I fell for the classic act of deception. Make the nasty food look more fun than it tastes, then the kids will eat their nutrients. It is the same ploy those Flinstone vitamins take. Although, I could easily overdose on those Barney and Bam Bam chewables. Why don’t they just make them candies? I digress. Unfortunately, here, I only get 5 vitamin D pills to compensate for the fact they are keeping me imprisoned and I’m not allowed outside. Regardless, I am starting to miss those smiley fries. I shouldn’t have complained.

3) I pick around my veggies and eat more donuts and candy than anything else.
For those of you who do not know, I am a recovering vegetarian. But in the hospital the peas are hard and carrots are bland and( like a little kid) I am refusing the veggies. I will, however, devour candy straws and munchkins till my teeth are fuzzy with sugar.

4) More food ends up on my hospital gown than in my mouth. I spill a lot. Enough said.

5) I whined, pouted, and borderline cried when I realized I forgot my Pillow Pet at home, in DC. It’s not just any Pillow Pet though. It is a rainbow light-up unicorn that projects stars onto the ceiling. I miss my Pillow Pet, even if it took me two weeks to realize I didn’t have her.

6) The only TV I watch is reruns of Fresh Prince and Boy Meets World. Certainly, kids nowadays are more familiar with Willow Smith than Will Smith and Disney’s horribly tacky Girl Meets World than the infancy of Cory and Topanga’s(sp??) budding romance. For me, however, those shows are an ultimate throwback to childhood and I couldn’t feel anymore like a 90s baby.

7) I need my mom to do like everything for me. Independence isn’t really a thing anymore, but I am not complaining. I feel special being the center of attentions. I mean, I am not a complete baby and can feed and wipe myself but I am still pretty helpless. She brings me everything I need because getting out of bed isn’t much of an option with this Black Swan coming out of my neck. So, thanks mom.

8) This happened. 

Steph made glasses out of silly putty. Point proven yet?